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Dinah [userpic]
by Dinah (siujerkjai)
at May 11th, 2006 (05:39 pm)

An early birthday present for prisoner__24601. When the muse strikes, I must obey. Even when the muse is nine days early. Made with love and much assistance from plutospawn.


Canderous stood scowling outside the entrance to the hallway that connected the Ebon Hawk to the crazy droid’s ship. Onasi’s kid had commed over, said something was wrong with the other ship’s ventilation system. Onasi went predictably banthashit.

While Revan and Bastila tried to calm him down (for some reason they rejected his suggestion to knock him out), Canderous took stock of who was left on the Hawk. A couple of creaky old Jedi Masters, Purple (sadly fully clothed this time), the psycho kid Revan had picked up on Nar Shaddaa, Kelborne and Kreed, and a pair of Sith lackeys. He thought the guy was fracking Lashowe, but it was hard to keep track. Canderous had been missing for two whole weeks after all. She could be fracking the Republic Chancellor by now.

That meant Jerran was trapped on the other ship with all the whiny kids, the crazy droid, and the crazy droid’s hot pilot. He grinned. That would probably explain the noises they heard when they tried to comm the other ship’s cockpit.

But trapped or not, they needed to find a way onto the other ship. He pressed the control panel for the door and raised an eyebrow when it slid back smoothly. He supposed it made sense; the problem was on the other ship. The sensors for this side of the hallway hadn’t detected any malfunctions. The problem was the other door.

He had just walked over to it when it popped open a crack. He heard a voice from the other side.

“Frack you, frack your sideburns, and frack your skinny ass! Stupid asshole boys!”

Canderous crouched down and peered through the crack. “Problem, Blue?”

“No, I’m fine,” she snapped. “You know when you said jettison earlier? You weren’t kidding, were you?”

“I don’t kid.” He stood, grasped both sides of the door with his hands, and pushed. There was a loud crack that may have been in the doorway mechanism or his spine, but the door slid open wide enough for Mission to wiggle though. When Canderous let go, the two sides of the door slammed together with a loud thunk.

“Let’s get out of here,” he muttered. He started to walk toward the other door, but as he approached it, a blue force field sprang up.

“Fracking piece of fracking shit,” he growled. “Kid couldn’t fix a toaster.” He turned back to Mission. “Looks like we’re stuck.” He waved toward the rest of the hallway. “Welcome to our honeymoon.”

“Great.” Mission scowled at the closed door. “Honeymoon. Do you kill things for me, then? That’s romantic. I could give you a list.”

“You might not have to,” Canderous said, noticing a red light flashing above the door to the droid’s ship. Suddenly an alarm began to ring, and a rather pleasant and calm-sounding woman’s voice echoed through the hallway.

“Caution: Cigarra flame detected near large quantities of alcoholic cargo. Oxygen containment compromised. Prepare for imminent explosion. Dumbass.”

There were a few moments of eerie silence, and then the roar of an explosion sounded from behind one set of doors. A surge of electricity traveled through the insulated conduits of the hallway, and a second roar echoed through from the doors that led to the Hawk. Mission and Canderous rushed to the porthole in the hallway in time to see a wave of debris—mostly empty vodka bottles, pieces of Revan’s tastefully expensive couch, and small spider-like droids with red eyes—sweep away. A beat-up-looking protocol droid, miraculously intact, smiled and waved cheerfully as it floated past.

“Huh.” Canderous scratched at the stubble that covered his chin. “Guess we’re not going to Thule.”

“Oh crap!” Mission slapped a hand to the side of her head. “I didn’t want everyone dead! I’m never going to see him naked again now!”

Canderous narrowed his eyes. “You’ve never going to see who naked again?”

“Dustil! I saw it and I wanted to--” She made a gagging noise. “Oh, gross, I am not talking about this with you. Doesn’t matter. He’s floating in space, now.”

Canderous snorted. “Yeah, well, cry me a river. Do you know how many years it took me to get Revan naked?”

“Not enough, apparently.”

“Keep a lid on your smart mouth, or you’re heading out the door on your smart ass.”

“Ooh, I’m real scared.” Mission rolled her eyes. “Face it, Ordo, your pants fall around your ankles and ships explode. That’s just the rules. I don’t make them.”

Canderous walked over to the control panel for the door to the Hawk. As he suspected, the force field was still active. He hit the panel, and the door beyond the force field sprang open. He grabbed Mission by the back of her shirt and chucked her toward the door. The force of the throw shot her through the blue field and beyond the open metal doors. He slammed the control panel again and the door slid shut.

A peaceful silence descended over the hallway. Canderous lowered himself to the hallway floor and stretched out with a contented sigh. He promptly fell fast asleep.

Much later, a voice floated out of the surrounding darkness.

“Canderous. Wake up.”

Canderous blearily opened his eyes. He was lying on a bunk in the med bunker of the Dxun camp. A face as familiar as his own gazed down at him with a serene smile.

“I am so glad to see you finally awake, my brother.”

Canderous sat up, rubbing the back of his aching head with one hand. “What happened, Landerous?”

His twin brother shook his head sadly. “There was anuzzer incident with the boma.”

“I had the weirdest dream,” Canderous said, frowning. “We were on this mission to Thule, but we ended up on Nar Shaddaa. The Sith chick we were after died, and then the purple whorehouse crashed. Then I saw Onasi naked. And his kid was good and then bad and then good and then bad and then just whiny. Blue had the hots for him, but she and I got married, but I was sleeping with Revan, and her dead ex-lover was trying to kill me for it. And there was a crazy droid and a hallway that connected the two ships.”

Landerous laughed. “Dat iz a crazy dream, my brother. None of dat could evair happen.”

Then he grinned and gestured expansively. “But come! There iz a celebration! My delicate Jeedai flower, Meen, and I have brought peace to ze galaxy. They are about to crown me Emperor of the Universe.”

Landerous extended his hand. Canderous grasped his forearm and let his brother pull him to his feet. Then he smiled.

“It’s good to be home,” he said.

The End.

Author's note: Landerous is the brilliant creation of one Miss cavortingmonkey.


Posted by: Sharyl (plutospawn)
Posted at: May 11th, 2006 09:49 pm (UTC)

I feel like an ego-whore, being part of all this and all, but damn. I marry Landerous.

Posted by: prisoner__24601 (prisoner__24601)
Posted at: May 11th, 2006 09:50 pm (UTC)

AHAHAHAHAHA Much love for you! This totally made my week.

(Deleted comment)
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